My Journey, Pt. 1

It’s like I’d had a lobotomy... Like a bad hangover, I had somehow lost all energy, sense of humor, ability to hold a meaningful conversation. No matter what I did, I couldn't shake it. Day after day, week after week... It was absolutely terrifying to realize that I was living in a body with a brain that had zero familiarity. I would search for words that wouldn’t come. Disconnect from everyone. Make excuses for everything that didn’t feel right. I had lost nearly all joy. 

At the darkest time in my health, I decided to fight my way back to finding ME. I prayed every night to wake up feeling normal, but for a long time it didn’t happen. I knew without a doubt that I could not accept this zombie version of myself. 

I dug into any clue of reasons for my symptoms. Countless hours of research and paranoia, long and expensive list of doctors and tests and short-lived treatments and supplements and dietary adjustments. Hours and dollars down the drain packing for trips and tears of frustration behind a strong, pretty, perky face. Over the course of a couple of years I started to collect small pieces of the puzzle here and there. I began to see what made me feel better and what made me feel worse. I kept more of the things that made me feel better and less of the things that made me feel worse. I learned when to tell my doctors to JUST FORGET IT, and I proceeded to try any holistic healing modality known to man. In LA, there are a lot. Herbs I can’t pronounce and certainly don’t want to taste became my new nurses. I spent hours doing strange things with my breath and even stranger with my arms and then added the mantras (out loud even!) because when I looked in the mirror afterward, I recognized the eyes looking back at me. So I dove even deeper. 

My journey to wellness is not complete, but wow, has it been insightful. I always considered myself to be wise for my years and extremely self-aware, but during this battle I’ve unearthed a woman that I am so proud of, inspired... if not slightly intimidated by, and so very much in love with. I am so thankful for my darkest hour, because it is the only thing that reconnected me with my Creator, who lives in me, and who designed me with such overwhelming detail and sheer love. The journey to healing myself became the journey to knowing myself, seeing myself, and feeling myself... and it has been truly priceless. 

I am forever grateful for online resources and individuals who have shared their battles, as these have helped me immeasurably along the way to get answers and not feel alone, ashamed, unworthy, or just plain crazy. I am eternally grateful for my Kundalini yoga and meditation practices, for giving me the power to chip away at the process. I am beyond words undeserving of the love of my God who made it all... the herbs and plants, the brain and body, the crystals, the healers, the yoga... and thought this world needed one of me.